Don't go over the edge!
In August of 1995 I had literally come to the end of the road. I was sitting on a rock out on Montauk Point LI NY staring out into the darkness at the Atlantic Ocean.
My life seemed pointless, I felt worthless as a parent, friend and in every aspect of my life. Drugs including alcohol were no longer giving me any relief from the emptiness and worthlessness that I felt inside. I no longer could pretend to myself or others that I was OK. I could no longer function in society and my life was unmanageable in every area. I wanted to die and as I sat out there in the dark all I wanted to do was summon up the courage to jump out into the ocean and end my life. I cried , I screamed out to the god I no longer believed in to help me jump.
I was out of money. I had no real friends. My ex-wife and 2 children had lost all respect for me, the engine in my car was shot, and I could no longer function at work. I was way beyond hopelessness ,deeply disturbed, despairing of the mess I had created in my active addiction. And I didn’t realize that I had a choice. Death seemed to be the only alternative.
A few hours passed by and I still didn’t jump. The sky was beginning to lighten up in the east and either I didn’t have the guts to end my life or a higher power was looking out for me. The first rays of the sun beaned across the ocean and hit me directly in the eyes, an unexpected sense of calmness came over me. I realized that I wasn’t going to die on this day and I needed help. I no longer could keep drinking and drugging , perhaps I wasn’t as useless and alone as i felt. I had a small glimpse of hope.
I got back into the borrowed car that I was driving and returned it to my using buddy. She took one look at me and told me that we were going to a meeting. She was going to stop using again and I should go with her. I don’t remember too much about the meeting except it was a basement room filled with addicts who shared about what was going on in their lives.
I heard people sharing about losing jobs, lovers, their friends to the disease of addiction and some from AIDS. And everyone that shared ended by saying ” and I didn’t find it necessary to use today”. Wow what a concept! Could I really change, was I no longer alone? (to be continued)
- anonymous submission by ‘Rob’.
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Tags: alcohol abuse, alcohol addiction, drug abuse, drug addction
Thanks for sharing. I’ve been in similar situations in the past, and at the time ending my life seemed like the easiest and best way out of the mess I had created. Luckily I’ve come to realize the easy way isn’t usually the best way, and each day that goes by without using is another day I’m grateful for. Glad to see I’m far from alone.
I just re-read my post and I wish I had worded it a little differently. I don’t want you to feel like I am judging you in anyway and if it did come across that way to you …please forgive me. I think I was just reacting from the little child part in me that perhaps has not completely healed from the disappointment of having an alcoholic parent. Who was a wonderful lovable drunk but who was lost when it came to being a parent. My father died when I was 14 and I still miss him. I have tried my whole life to figure out the alcohol thing. I did one of my college research papers on alcoholism and once I learned that it was a disease it cleared up so many questions that I had as a child and today I can think of my father with love. I am sorry that this information was not available back then because I think if it had been, things would have worked out differently for my family and for me.
I am so glad that you did not jump! Thank you for sharing.
Wishing you all the best!
blessings
bobbi