Don't go over the edge!

In August of 1995 I had literally come to the end of the road. I was sitting on a rock out on Montauk Point LI NY staring out into the darkness at the Atlantic Ocean.

My life seemed pointless, I felt worthless as a parent, friend and in every aspect of my life. Drugs including alcohol were no longer giving me any relief from the emptiness and worthlessness that I felt inside. I no longer could pretend to myself or others that I was OK. I could no longer function in society and my life was unmanageable in every area. I wanted to die and as I sat out there in the dark all I wanted to do was summon up the courage to jump out into the ocean and end my life. I cried , I screamed out to the god I no longer believed in to help me jump.

I was out of money. I had no real friends. My ex-wife and 2 children had lost all respect for me, the engine in my car was shot, and I could no longer function at work. I was way beyond hopelessness ,deeply disturbed, despairing of the mess I had created in my active addiction. And I didn’t realize that I had a choice. Death seemed to be the only alternative.

A few hours passed by and I still didn’t jump. The sky was beginning to lighten up in the east and either I didn’t have the guts to end my life or a higher power was looking out for me. The first rays of the sun beaned across the ocean and hit me directly in the eyes, an unexpected sense of calmness came over me. I realized that I wasn’t going to die on this day and I needed help. I no longer could keep drinking and drugging , perhaps I wasn’t as useless and alone as i felt. I had a small glimpse of hope.

I got back into the borrowed car that I was driving and returned it to my using buddy. She took one look at me and told me that we were going to a meeting. She was going to stop using again and I should go with her. I don’t remember too much about the meeting except it was a basement room filled with addicts who shared about what was going on in their lives.

I heard people sharing about losing jobs, lovers, their friends to the disease of addiction and some from AIDS. And everyone that shared ended by saying ” and I didn’t find it necessary to use today”. Wow what a concept! Could I really change, was I no longer alone? (to be continued)

- anonymous submission by ‘Rob’.  

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